Sometimes it’s better to just part ways…

Written by Elena @The Art of Making a Baby on. Posted in EVERYTHING ELSE

I wanted to wait to write this post until things were closer to being final…

As some of you have noticed, Andrew and I have not been together for quite a while now. And while I do not think it is fair to him for me to discuss specifics on the internet, I wanted to wait until the divorce was close to final to let you, guys, know about it here. Partly because many of you have followed our lives from the beginning, partly because I know many families are going through the same thing and most importantly because it’s not a subject widely discussed or talked about. And it should be.

No decision to separate a marriage or a long term relationship is easy. And I have to say that I agonized over it for months, if not a year. That consume most of the year 2014 and a bit of 2015. I know many women who are in the position I was, some with fewer options. For me, the realization that I was not happy in my marriage came on slowly. I did not know what was wrong at first. I felt like I was trapped with no way to get out and simply unhappy. I wanted something more. Something different. It took me MONTHS to understand what I was feeling and what it was connected to. And then MONTHS again, to make a solid decision that I wasn’t going back and forth on.

I can’t discuss the whys here. It wouldn’t be fair to Lexi’s dad. I can say it was very hard to fully decide on divorce because of our 13 years together and because of Lexi, but when the decision was made, it felt right.  I do not blame anyone. I feel it was irreconcilable differences ( as silly as it sounds). I realized that what I needed to grow and to be a better person and to achieve something in life wasn’t necessarily what I had or what I wanted.

Almost 2 years after the conversation about divorce started, we have finally managed to find the time to file the paperwork. (It was never a priority to have it official, because we were already separated emotionally). We agree on everything when it comes to the separation. We both hope that for the sake of Lexi and our own relationship, we can stay amicable. I don’t hold anything against him, and hope to stay friends and parents and hope that with time he will not hold anything against me.

How will this affect Lexi in terms of seeing her mom and dad?

We have been practicing co-parenting for 1.5 years now. 50/50 mom and dad. It started due to our work schedules even before we were sure that we wanted to get separated, and then morphed into a full on co-parenting deal on a 50/50 basis. As far as we can tell, Lexi has not noticed a difference. She sees mommy and daddy equal amounts of time. We are hoping that we can still take vacations together, as his work allows ( I am more flexible than Andrew), celebrate holidays together, come to recitals and games together. Our goal is to keep a united front and do what is best for Lexi in the face of a not-so-ideal situation. I know Andrew has been missing from the pictures, but he is not missing from her life. We just don’t take many of all three of us anymore.  We will be moving into separate houses, I am getting a rental condo or house by August. Looking at many properties right now, maybe I will record my journey.

While it was a very hard decision, I have to say I have not been this happy with my life for a very long time. It’s hard, and it’s frustrating at times, but I have a free, happy feeling inside of me that I haven’t felt in years. And it certainly gets projected onto my daughter.

I know many women out there felt the same: trapped, unhappy with the person they are with, confused, not sure if there is a way out. I felt all those things for a long time until I started making my way out. Emotionally, financially…. Sometimes two people just gotta go. For their sake, for the sake of their children. Sometimes happy parents apart are better than lifeless, angry parents together. It’s never an easy decision, but I think taking your time to make it, without emotions, using logic, can help make the right one.

I want to write about it in a way that would help other women going through the same decision making process, but I am concerned about giving away too much that would hurt the other party. I do not know where to draw that line, so I am staying somewhat vague.

It’s not worth it to spend your life with someone who you don’t love and who doesn’t make you happy, for any reason, financial, kids, social stigma, etc

I would rather be alone.

And it’s not good to be with someone who doesn’t love you. Because everyone deserves being loved.

Many people were confused, we seemed so happy together. And we were for many years. With lots of ups and downs. But in the last 2-3 years. there was a deep seated feeling that just grew and grew and became clear once the divorce option came into focus.

That being said, I still love Andrew as Lexi’s dad, even though I might disagree with him on a lot of things. We are still very alike ( as much as we are different). He is an excellent dad to Lexi and our parenting styles match really well. He loves Lexi more than anything in this world and that means a universe to me. I want to be friends and help him and spend time with our daughter together. I just can’t be in it in a romantic way. I hope that we can grow our friendship even further when the dust settles, because as long as he doesn’t have hard feelings, I would love to care about him as a friend and Lexi’s dad.

What I can say to those going through the thoughts or the process and needing support is it’s ok. It really is. Whether the decision is mutual, or one of you is leaving, it is for the best.  There is no reason to be with a person who you do not love, or with a person who does not love you. There is always a better way. Take your time. Listen to your feelings. Prepare for your new life if needed and most importantly, try and do it amicably. I know it’s not always possible or in your control. It’s not bad, it’s just a fact of life. Things change, people change, feelings change. We all just want to be happy and need to find that happiness.

Just heads up for everyone: I realize you probably have a million questions and comments. I know many of you had for months now. As much as I would love to answer them, this will be the only post about this matter. I really really want to just pour my heart out on the blog about every detail of the separation and things that frustrate me and things that make me happy. But I can’t. It’s public and I don’t want anyone’s feelings hurt. I just wanted to officially talk about it now that we finally got around to filing our divorce papers. By around August we expect it all to be complete. We didn’t need lawyers, we agreed on everything, so now off to make our new lives. In the future, I might touch on co-parenting and such, but right now while things are still fresh, I would rather respect Andrew’s privacy and not say too much.

I will not answer questions, comment on the matter. I do not want any negativity around this change, I’ve been consistent in that I am a positive person and don’t tolerate negativity around me. I do not want any condolences, because this change is a good change. I do not need any advice because it’s no one’s place to give it without being asked. And I cannot give any advice because every situation is different and it is not MY place to give it, as much as I would like to help others. If you feel like you want to say something or extend support to both of us, say “I wish you happiness and glad you did what is best for all three of you”. That is all I need. I wish I could do more but it is a touchy subject and it is best if it’s not carried away with. Thank you  for respecting that :)

If you do wish to say something, send me a personal email. I can’t promise I will respond but I will read it :) contact at prebabyblog dot com

We will be moving soon and we are still traveling a lot, so I am going to continue trying to post here regularly even though life is temporarily going to get busy. (keyword try)

Lexi has just started summer camp which will give both of us some time to get caught up, which I am excited about.

I wanted to say Thank you for following our family throughout the years. I appreciate all the supporters. I will continue writing about our new lives and loves and adventures. I am not sure if I will be open about my personal romantic life, as not everyone is okay with being in public like that but I am sure you will see updates and pictures on social media. Things are just getting to be interesting….

I will be sharing more of my and Lexi life together, our search for a new house, our travels, about her school, our routines, my favorite things, her favorite things, my parenting, my struggles, everything and anything involved. I will be writing about fitness and nutrition and personal growth and improvement  I have been big on. Things that help and hinder me. Everything I struggle with and my little wins. Work more with my favorite brands to bring you giveaways and freebies. Do more regular series of different posts. I am excited! Excited to share more. (Now that Lexi is in school, I will have more time)

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Comments (18)

  • Lisa

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    So glad that you are happy and living a life that is right for you. Life is too short to be unhappy. Xxxxxx

    Reply

  • Irina

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    I wish you happiness and glad that you did what was good for the three of you!

    Reply

    • A

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      Ditto :)

      Reply

  • Josey

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    I’m happy that you are happy. Over the past year my husband and I have seriously considered parting ways as well after 11.5 years and 2 children, and you’re right that it’s never an easy conversation or decision. All the best to you on your new family adventure! Life is to short to stay stuck in an unhappy situation.

    Reply

  • Deena

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    Glad you’re happy in your decision. I wonder though, how much your parenting style of lexi got in the way of you maintaining your relationship (often a problem with attachment parenting)? Unless of course there were issues before she was even born.

    Reply

    • Anya

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      I don’t think relationship problems are associated with attachment parenting. My husband and I have a very happy marriage and we have attachment patented from day one. It’s actually made us gentler and more patient with each other. Marriage is different for every couple and sometimes people just grow apart. Lots of people who don’t attachment parent also get divorced.

      Reply

  • A

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    This post was great. XO to you, Andrew and Lexi. Love all you guys.

    Reply

  • Verna

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    Hugs!!

    Reply

  • Chelsea

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    I support you and I’m happy you’re happy. Thank you for sharing something so personal. You’re an awesome person, mama, and you deserve the best.

    XO,
    Chelsea

    Reply

  • Nichole

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    No explanations are needed. I wish the best for all 3 of you. I am a strong believer that children can only be happy if their parents are happy. Best wishes for a fresh start.

    Reply

  • Amy

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    Assumed this was the case, but still very heart-sore to hear. I think when we bear children they become the living proof that the two people who bore the child into life are inseparable. Ultimately, when you make a decision to part ways, you are putting your own comfort/convenience above that of the child. It is something they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives no matter how amicable the divorce/death of your union may be… I am honestly do not know how you could find it in your heart to be happier now, rather than simply abiding by the binding covenant you made before God and man to your spouse and future children to be faithful until the day that death parts the two of you. If you can find contentment after a divorce, then surely it must be possible (if not easier) to find contentment in a so called “loveless” and/or “irreconcilable” marriage?

    Reply

    • Elena @The Art of Making a Baby

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      That is an opinion of someone who believes in God. I am an atheist and subscribe to the notion that everything we do in our lives is a decision we make that we are responsible for and do not have to answer to anyone for.
      We didn’t make a covenant before God. We made a personal decision to be together based on our feelings for each other at the time. When that has changed and we became unhappy together, it was time to make changes in our lives. I’m a great believer in change and will never be complacent in a situation that doesn’t work. I will always work to change it and be happy. No one should ever stay in a situation that doesn’t make them happy. We only live one life.
      As far as kids, while I was worried about how it would affect Lexi, she hasn’t been happier because of how much happier I am in interactions with her because I AM happy.

      I think it’s a very close minded opinion to say that two people who were brought together by feelings should and will stay together forever. It’s simply unrealistic. It often happens when those two people manage to maintain respect for each other ( cuz love fades away regardless) but other times it’s simply not possible.

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      • Amy

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        Dear Elena,
        Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment. To be honest, after I had submitted it, I began to doubt whether it was considerate to approach you on this, being that you do not know me. I think in the blogging world, one gets a really personal glimpse into the life of the blogger and this gives one the mistaken sense of being “involved”. I apologise for speaking out of turn – it was unnecessary and uncalled for. No good can come of it especially in that we do not see eye to eye on the most fundamental things in life.

        Other than that, I hope that Jesus will someday reveal Himself to you and open your heart and mind to faith.

        Wishing you well!
        xxx

        Reply

  • Kate

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    Whoa you got some crazy comments here. I’m surprised that someone who has bothered to follow your life by blog would then post something unsupportive but was impressed by the poster (who sort of) recanted and apologized. As far as discussing your parenting style- IMO that was uncalled for and unfounded. WHatever difficulties attachemnt parenting may present there are a million workarounds and then there is also the appreciation you get from your husband when he agrees with those choices and watches you mothering your child so beautifully, so ya. IMO Not a thing.
    Regardless- I am commenting to say that I wish you and the rest of your family all the happiness in the world and especially in this new chapter. I have no doubt you will rock this single, co-parenting-, partners in co-parenting (that sounds kind of good?) Whatever you call this thing. You guys will take some lemons and make lemonade or maybe organic lemon sponge cake with raspberry coulis- no doubt.
    I promise no advice- just a story-
    My father was married (YOUNG) for about 12 years and had two daughters before he met and married my mother. To say it was an acrimonious divorce (and marriage) would be an understatement. Now, 40+ years later his ex wife is at all family functions and holidays. She spends weekends at my parents house when their girls come with all the cousins (we live next door and between the three daughters we have 7 kids who have a blow out good time together). She has become such a part of our lives that our 5 and 8 yr old at one point thought she was their grandmother and even after explaining the relationship in more detail have chosen to call her MiMi (Southern for g-ma). Heck my dad even buys tickets and for her to go on vacation with us and just assumes of course she will be there. I’m stoked bc my MIL is MIA so my kids can use another g-ma and she (the ex wife) is so loving to them (and to me and my husband) and treats them as her own. My mom doesn’t cook but she cleans and the ex is the other way around- very Jack Sprat- it works out well : )
    The world is changing and divorce doesn’t have to be what it used to be. We are all rewriting the rules and living by the ones that create the modern version of family that works for us. I wish all three of you great luck and know that you will succeed in continuing to build a happy family for your daughter no matter who is under which roof or how many twists and turns there are int he road. It might not look the way you thought it would on day one- but what great project doesn’t evolve? Ok I’m starting to feel like I’m dipping into advice so I am going to peace out.
    I hope I didn’t violate the rules and get too advicey anywhere but please know it all came from a good place of support and hope because I know it can be great.
    Both of my 1/2 sisters recently got divorced and they are just blossoming. As you said, you only get one life so you are in change of how you live it, there is no prize at the end for suffering silently. Big hugs on the nights you need them and cheers on the nights you are ready for them.

    Reply

    • Elena @The Art of Making a Baby

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      WOW! I honestly have no words, because nothing I say in response to that will come even close to the great story and great narrative you just gave all of us here. I have only 2 things to say:
      1. Thank you for words of support and encouragement. I am certainly so much happier now despite this somewhat sad decision I had to make.
      2. Would you like to come write for Daily Mom? You have a talent :)

      That is all!

      Reply

      • Kate

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        Hi Elena- Thank you so much for your kind words. I am really glad that my story made another person feel good, I could never ask for more than that. I would LOVE to write for Daily Mom, I’m sort of a writer in hibernation. Many years of being a mom, and life in general, separates me from the 20 something year old who wrote as voraciously as I still read. This year my goal has been to get back to it. You really couldn’t have said anything to make me feel better than you just made me feel : )
        Now I wish I could edit my comment, my inner editor is having a fit that I posted that- my 1st draft grammar game is not strong after 1 am . I used to write fiction but everyone is always telling me I should write for a motherhood blog…… where do I sign up? : )

        Reply

        • Elena @The Art of Making a Baby

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          Hahaha Don’t be hard on yourself. I wouldn’t judge your grammar skills based on a comment on a blog. 😉

          I’ll email you.

          Reply

    • Amy

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      Kate, I did not recant what I said, I simply apologized for speaking out of turn. For some reason I had assumed Elena was a Christian, but it turns out she does not believe, so we can never agree on anything, and for that reason I responded as I did.

      I do agree with you, though, that the negative consequences around divorce can be greatly diminished when/if the ex-spouses remain on good terms. However, divorce ultimately remains a sorrowful thing whether one believes in God or not…

      Reply

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