Traditionally, one of the first steps of planning a baby is going off Birth Control. Granted, with me, it takes a bit of a different course with all the pre-conception care and preparedness.
However, last month was my time to unleash the power of natural hormones. Oh boy, did I NOT know what I was getting myself into!
In order for you to understand what I am about to describe and not to schluff me off as one of those hypochondriac-y hysterical pregnancy prone chicks, you need to know this:
I have been on THE PILL my whole adult life. I started when I was 18 and have NEVER been off of it up until now, 8 years later. In addition to that, when I was working as a model in NYC, I had consulted with my doctor and he agreed that it’d be just fine if I were to take the active pills non-stop without making a break for the white placebo pills, thus skipping my period altogether.
I went on living my life without a period for two years, happy as a clam not to experience any side effects of having one. By the end of the 2nd year I was starting to wonder what having a period felt like – I’d completely forgotten. I could not fathom why girls, who are already on the pill, would even bother putting themselves through the wringer that we call “mothernature’sgiftoallwomen”.
At that point I was completely unfamiliar with the PMS and period symptoms that most women experience monthly.
So when time came to go off my pill, I cheerfully tossed my used pack in the trash and ignored the annoying daily calls from Target to remind me that my auto-refill prescription is ready.
Condoms became our friend # 1 and I went on to live what I thought was going to be a normal life.
The craziness started with light spotting on day 4-5 after I should have ovulated. I didn’t think much about it until I realized that day, that I had VERY SENSITIVE boobs… Like,the not normal “can’t wear a shirt without a bra”, “do not touch me” sensitive boobs. I thought back and remembered that we had sex about the time that ovulation should have occurred. My thoughts started racing:”OMG! No way! We used a condom! I don’t have maternity coverage yet! I CAN’T BE PREGNANT YET”! I realized that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if i were to be pregnant, but i would have preferred to have maternity coverage and have my wisdom teeth out, etc etc…
My husband, of course, calmed me down saying that I am silly and there was no way i am pregnant. Ok, so I calmed down. For now. We all know how unreliable condoms can be, but he’s right, I can’t be pregnant.
A few days went by, I kept complaining about how strange it was that my boobs were SOOO Sensitive!!! And then the emotions started acting up. I think I cried a few times in one day…and more than a few days that week.
“Oh Gosh! – i thought, Here’s the pregnancy emotions! Am i really pregnant? I have never felt that way!” At some point I remember crying in my husband’s arms, complaining about something, and then both of us laughing about how stupid what I am crying about was, which would send me deeper into my weeping hysterical non-sense fit.
“I must be pregnant!”- i thought. I don’t cry, I’m not a cry baby. My friends who know me well are well aware that I don’t cry.
That day I had to do my pre-conception bloodwork and urine test and they discovered some protein in my urine which can be a sign of pregnancy ( strangely enough no pregnancy test was performed), which further proved my fears/hypothesis.
To make a long story short, I waited for my next doctor’s appointment and asked them to do a pregnancy test which came back negative ( of course!) and life went back to normal leaving me wondering why on earth I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms without being pregnant. My husband’s guess was “hysterical pregnancy”, a made-up pregnancy where a woman is so anxious to get pregnant that she thinks she’s feeling the symptoms. I hated this “diagnosis”, because one – I am not anxious to get pregnant, i’m not ready yet on any of the fronts, not until all things are in place; and two- I really felt those things. I mean, I was crying like a baby over something stupid like forgetting to brush my teeth, then laughing that i was crying over that, then crying because it was …all…. just….sooooo…saaaaaaaaad ahahahaha!
When my period finally came, once again proving (Thank God!) that I am not pregnant, a light bulb went off in my head:
I WAS FEELING NORMAL PMS SYMPTOMS!!!!!
The normal hormonal fluctuation and imbalance most women experience monthly and are very used to.
This was absolutely hilarious to me. I hadn’t had a period in so long that I completely forgot what it feels like: the mood swings mid cycle, the sore boobs, breaking out, crying, cramps, bleeding. It was so foreign to me that it never once occurred that what I was feeling could be normal. Most girls were very used to feeling this way and therefore didn’t pay much attention to it. For me, on the other hand, it was all new!
It was very satisfying to tell my husband that I really DID feel those things ( I’m suspecting he thought i was one of those crazy people), that i didn’t invent the symptoms.
We laughed, we cried, it was better than “Cats”, but at least now I know that if I am not supposed to get pregnant, I probably won’t, and it’s just my period
As far as protein in my pee, that was something completely different and is another story that you will hopefully hear soon.
Now, make me feel more like a normal (read: not crazy) person and tell me your own pregnancy scare stories in the comments! ( it’s a good time to introduce yourself if you’d like, too)
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